earthbelow: (satchel)
[personal profile] earthbelow
I think I may owe my fat ass an apology for my last entry.

The scales today show neither a gain nor a loss, and considering what I ate over the weekend, that's better than I ever could have hoped for. Also? It gives me hopes that I'll see a continuing downward trend this week.

I hope I'm not depressing people or making them overly worried about me when I angst about my weight loss. All in all, I'm okay. I'm not choosing my calorie intake at random. I did do a lot of research, and I'm taking into account that I'm on certain medications and have certain health conditions (PCOS and insulin resistance) that are going to make my weight loss go slower than someone with a perfectly healthy, functioning metabolism.

Certainly, I don't want anyone to feel obligated to pay attention to the things I say. Sometimes I really am just venting because it's either vent or destroy furniture, and we can't afford new furniture.

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is let yourself scream and get angry for a bit, because trying to hold it all in and assume a cheerful face and act like you're not disappointed or depressed will kill you. Sometimes you need to just let it out when you gained back that pound you fought so hard to take off, or when you can't just fling caution to the wind and pig out, even when it's a holiday and it'd be nice if you didn't have to say to yourself, "Okay, I'll only have a quarter cup of potato salad, and I won't put anything extra on my burger and maybe if I eat the corn on the cob instead of the potato chips and then go for a fifteen minute walk later..."

It'd be nice to forget about portion sizes and not think, "Well, I could pig out, but tomorrow the scale is gonna tell me all about it and I'm going to undo every good thing I just did."

But the thing is? I'm not just fighting my body, my brain is fighting itself. Part of my brain still believes that some how, a nice down-and-dirty food fest will make me feel better and it'll scratch some itch that I can always feel just under the surface. I suppose it's like a alcoholic who's trying to go straight and just salivates at the thought of one last big drinking binge.

When you've been bad, you tell yourself, "Well, you blew it, might as well keep going." And if you do good, you tell yourself, "You exercised a whole hour! You deserve a treat. Come on, shouldn't you get something nice for all your hard work? What's nicer than chocolate?"

And some people can do that and be okay. Just like some people can drink alcohol and never be alcoholics, some people can (to my great amazement) be satisfied with just one piece of cake, or just one cookie, or just one handful of chips.

I can't. I wish I could. The first thing I think when I finish a piece of cake is, "Can I have another?" I wish I could be one of these people who didn't eat the whole bag, but I am. If I let myself, I'd eat two pints of ice cream a day and two double cheeseburgers for lunch and an entire box of spaghetti and sauce for dinner and then want dessert!

I just don't have any natural thresholds where food and portions are concerned, so I have to create them and reinforce them. Which is like trying to get a tent to stand up in a tornado, but I have to. Because the consequences of letting the tent get blown away, of giving up, of just letting my hunger run away with me are too much.

So, I'm trying to teach my brain that the overindulgence comes with consequences that are worse than any momentary satisfaction. I'm also trying to teach my brain that exercise comes with it's own rewards - not just the weight loss, but the improved health, the better sleep cycles, the more stable moods and, as a bonus, perhaps a longer existence on this earth.

Which is why I need to talk about this subject a lot. And if it's getting bothersome for folks, or triggering anyone who may have eating disorders (I know a couple of people on my list have struggled with anorexia/bulimia), or if it's just plain old annoying, let me know and I'll filter it for anyone who wants in. Because I don't want this to become overwhelming.

I promise, I'm doing other things in my life! It's just that my writing is over at [ profile] fiction_theory and all my fannish stuff is over at [ profile] sage_theory and since I'm still unemployed (*grumble grumble fuckin' economy*), this is the big Personal Life Issue for me right now.

But I just want you to know that I'm okay. Or, well, I will be. And your support definitely helps a lot, and knowing that people out there are willing to listen and comment and even just say, "Good luck" or "keep trying!" really does do a world of good.

Date: 26 May 2009 17:07 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Awesome, glad you didn't gain. I was just thinking, "Come on universe! Cut Miss M a little slack!"

Date: 30 May 2009 17:39 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*hugs* I really admire your commitment to your health. I believe in you!


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