Tuesday, 24 February 2009

earthbelow: (mood: sad/blah)
It feels like the world in general is just having a hard time right now, and I wonder if I'll ever have a job again. Every time I look, there's just nothing. Not in my field, not in any field. I don't even have a field anymore. I'm applying for internships again, but all of them are unpaid or just for academic credit that I can find.

I'm posting on craigslist, I'm looking on Monster, CareerFinder, MediaBistro, anything I can find.

I feel so guilty because I'm doing okay, even unemployed. I feel horrible because I'm sort of living off of Andrew, and I feel bad every morning that he goes out that door to work and I'm still here in the apartment.

I think part of my recent drive to step up my exercising is due to that. Because right now? I feel like a fat, lazy, worthless mooch and I guess I figure if I slim down at least I can upgrade to being just lazy and worthless.

Knowing that I'm being supported when I can work, when I'm perfectly capable of going out and doing a job and making money just bothers me constantly. And hearing how friends of mine are out of work and in bad situations makes it even worse, because I feel like they deserve to have the loving fiancee that will take care of them and make sure they've got a place to live while they're out of work instead of me.

Sometimes I wish I could give them this, too. I wish I could make them be lucky, too. It just wrenches me to see the things they have to go through and to know there's so little I can give to them besides internet hugs and moral support and offers of help.

Please know that you can come to me if you need me. I don't have a lot of money, but I've got time. I've got two good ears. I can read emails, I can answer phone calls. I can offer advice or I can just shut my trap and let you say what needs saying. I can try my best for you.

Don't be afraid to ask. I don't keep ledgers, I don't count up debt, I don't charge interest, okay? If you need something, just ask. It's all free of charge, because I love you, because you're my friend, because you need it.

Seeing people who love hurt is worse than hurting yourself. I know that now. If anyone ever offers you a choice, if it comes down to picking who has to take their licks, pick yourself. It worse to watch and be helpless.

God, I didn't do anything to deserve the things I have. I'm not that good or smart or pretty of a person. I'm just...I don't even know what. How did I get lucky and other people didn't? Who the hell drew lots for us all and decided this would be mine?

I'm grateful, please don't think I'm not. I am grateful every single day that I'm in a warm bed and I have food in the fridge and I have a gadzillion luxuries that would just BOGGLE people who have no food, no house, no hope.

But who set the world up this way? It's just so staggering. That I'm here, and others are there, and there's no difference in what we deserve. I'm not better than them, just luckier.


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