(no subject)

Friday, 8 May 2009 16:59
earthbelow: (mood: sad/blah)
Dear Body,

I hate you. I don't know any other way to say it. I hate you so completely that it almost hurts.

I hate that you don't work the way you are supposed to. I hate that you're still relatively brand new and yet so many things about you are broken, damaged, and only running at half speed. I hate that I must put so much time and effort and money into maintaining you when I shouldn't have to. You're 25. You shouldn't be like this. You should be beautiful and healthy.

I hate that you resist any attempts at improvement. I hate that you hold onto weight even when I exercise you and you ache and you sweat, but should I indulge in something as simple as a pudding cup or a graham cracker, the next day I'm sure to see another two or three pounds added to your ungainly heft.

I am so uncomfortable inside you and have always been. You make me miserable and all my joys are in spite of you, not because. I think of all the things that have been taken away from me because of you. Ever since I was a child, there have been things that I wanted badly but could never have, because of you. Every thing from a pretty dress to the respect and esteem of my peers has been always just beyond my grasp because of you. Because you are ugly.

I have never been asked for my number because of you. I have never been asked to dance because of you. I have never gone into a store and had the reassurance that at least one thing there would fit. The list is so long that I stopped keeping it a long time ago.

I can't even run. I want to, so badly. I wish I could jog around and around when the morning is just getting started and the air is crisp and the trees have just bloomed. I can't. You won't let me. I've tried to push you and push you, but after no more than two block you refuse to go further. The lungs don't work, the side hurts, you become so heavy that your own legs can't even hold you up. If I think about what I must look like, jiggling like a pig on two legs down the street, I can hardly stand to stay outside. Sometimes I wear jackets or long pants when I'm hot so that nobody has to see you. Sometimes I just don't go out and I stay inside when I'd love to be somewhere else. The closest I can get to know what it's like just to run, for the sheer joy of running, on a beautiful spring day is a video game.

Why do you trap me like this? What did I do to deserve you?

I hate that when someone meets me for the first time, they must try to look around or through you to see me, that I must convince them that I am more than this hideous shell. I hate that so many people look at you and think, "What horrible thing must live inside that terrible body?" I must work twice as hard to convince each and every person I meet that I am worth their while, even doctors.

More than that, I hate that you make all compliments a lie. I can never hear the words "you're beautiful" or even "you're pretty" without hearing pity or outright deception in it. No matter who says them or why. Because I've seen you. I've lived with you all my life and one thing is abundantly clear: you are not beautiful. Not one part of you. The shape of you, the feel of you, the way you move, the way clothes hang off your form, the colors of you - it's all somewhere between mediocre and disgusting. At best, you are bland and serviceable with a few traits that are less hideous than the rest, so people pick them out and say to me, "Oh, you have pretty hair. You have pretty eyes."

I would tear you off of me piece by revolting, fatty piece if I could and watch you burn away until all your heaps and rolls of blubber and your stretch marks and your mousy hair and your sagging breasts - the ones that never once permitted me to go without a bra or even run comfortably - and your squat, graceless feet and your fat legs and your unseemly apple shape were melted away into ashes that I could hide somewhere, under a bed or in a closet, so no one would know you ever existed. I would deny all knowledge of you if I could.

But what galls me more than anything is that I have so much I want to do in my life. I want to go so many places, meet so many people. I want to help people, bring joy, create beauty, find truth, give comfort, leave a mark. But in all this, I must lug you around. I can't get away from you. Not for a day, an hour, a single moment.

You're this terrible, hideous thing and when you hurt, I hurt. When you die, I die. I have to live with you until you decide to take us both down with you, and there's nothing else I can do.

That's the worst. I think I could live with you like this if I knew you were a temporary cellmate and that I'd get a parole and be free and leave you behind. But I won't. We're bunk mates on death row and I have to die wearing your face and I hate it.

I hate you, so please stop making this harder than it has to be. Just do what you're supposed to for once, okay? I think I've sacrificed enough for you. Why don't you do the same for me?

Hatefully Yours,

Spring Glee!

Wednesday, 29 April 2009 17:07
earthbelow: (Default)
5 Things That Were Good About Today

1. The weather finally back down. I am not looking forward to summer.
2. New Lost tonight! All my favorite people on my favorite mysterious island!
3. Got to take a brief nap
4. My sinuses are beginning to clear! Yay for breathing!
5. Quantum of Solace (my birthday prezzie from Andrew) waiting to be watched.

3 Things I Did Well

1. Cleaned things
2. Got back to the writing I need to do
3. Exercised and ate reasonably well (I have to take off the four pounds I gained because of that fucking cake and the wine tasting and the chicken sandwich I ate on my birthday).

2 Things I Look Forward To

1. Exercising and continuing to lose weight!
2. Getting more writing done
earthbelow: (happy)
For my birthday my mother sent me new panties and instant tea mix, my sister sent me an e-card congratulating me on lower car insurance, Andrew's sister bought a couple of sampler rounds when we went wine tasting today, and God got me the hottest fricking day on record.

Turning 25 has been a little odd. I'm not sure what this means for the year ahead. Maybe it means that I will have clean underwear and lower bills. I'll settle for a comfortable, well paying job or a book deal. Which ever comes first.

But the panties were pretty, the car insurance isn't in my name, the wine was very nice (we got a couple of bottles), and the weather has cooled.

And I still have a cake which I picked out just for myself waiting in the fridge, calling my name and a very good excuse to eat it without feeling too terribly guilty.

Well, not until tomorrow anyway.
earthbelow: (Default)
Okay, I'd like the opinion of my very learned, very wise f-list about this article here, because I happen to think that this woman is not so much writing about the neurological/genetic causes of anorexia and the impact it's had on her life as she is bragging about the fact that she's thin and can eat whatever she wants.

I also think her article is chock full of contradictions. She says:

For example, I am absolutely positive that the physiques of Kate Moss, Posh Spice, or any other convenient scapegoat had no more than a kernel’s worth of influence over my decision to live on raw broccoli and Swedish crispbread for most of my college years. This is what we’ve always been taught—Barbie makes us hate our bodies as girls, and some unholy alliance between the worlds of fashion, Hollywood, and advertising keep feeding the furnace well into womanhood, until we’re supposedly too old to care.

But then she goes on to say:

As a small child, I remember telling my mother that when I grew up I wanted to weigh 110 pounds, which was what the National Enquirer said Princess Diana weighed at her thinnest.

Am I the only one who thinks that this is completely illogical of her to claim? That she wasn't influenced by media culture and their obsession with utterly unrealistic bodies?

More under the cut, and some musings about the lack of education about health and nutrition in the United States. )

I'd also like to note how suspicious I find it that my comments on the article have mysteriously gotten lost but other comments were approved. Hmm. Maybe I should have read the invisible "No Fatties Allowed" sign before I commented.
earthbelow: (Default)
I'm really getting sick and tired of people (notably thin people who think they know everything about health and weight loss) who feel the need to pressure us larger types into considering/getting weight loss surgery as though it's somehow really easy just to pop into a doctor's office and get that little obesity problem fixed right up.

Even with systems like the LapBand, it's still fucking surgery, which comes with additional risks the larger you are, due to anesthesia and other factors. And if you have diabetes, heart problems or other health issues, surgery becomes even riskier.

It's also not a guaranteed fix. Yes, you lose weight on that system, but you can gain it back as well. Not to mention that it requires a rather radical shift in lifestyle and how you eat.

We won't talk about the side effects of it, or how things can go permanently bad. With any surgery, death is a risk.

I'm not saying that surgeries like that are bad, or that people are wrong to get them. I think that for some people who have health concerns and reasons to take weight off quickly and can't diet and exercise (or for whom it is demonstrably not effective), having a surgery like that is life saving. If you're 700 pounds, can't get out of bed, are severely diabetic, and facing the loss of life and limb, and surgery can save your life, go for it.

But only if it's the best choice for you, not because people convinced you that you weren't getting skinny fast enough.

I wish people who say, "Oh, why don't you just get weight loss surgery?" would realize what they're saying. You're asking for me to have my body invaded and an organ surgically altered because you don't think I'm where I should be on your Scale of Fitness.

I'm sorry if I'm not shedding these pounds fast enough for you, Oh Thin One, but I'd like to keep attempting something short of having my digestive tract rearranged with surgical tools, thanks. And I think you should help yourself to nice fat glass of Shut The Fuck Up.
earthbelow: (mood: sad/blah)
I would just like it known that I really, really fucking hate my body. I hate that I have to work out for an hour a day, eating no more than 1200 calories per day (most of that fruit and veggies) just to peel off one measely pound.

But should I dare to eat Easter dinner, I instantly gain three pounds back.

I am so fucking tired of my body. I am tired of how lousy it works. I am tired of how hideous it looks. I'm tired of the fact that it doesn't do anything right. I'm tired of how much maintenance it is, and how little that maintenance seems to mean in the long run. I'm tired of being told by my own sister that I should look into the lapband surgery because I'm so fat.

Come on. I've been working out for an hour a day for two weeks and then one weekend screws that completely up? You've got to be kidding me. That's not fair. How is that even right?

How is that these people on magazines say they can lose half their body weight just by walking thirty minutes a day, but I exercise for a goddamn hour and nothing. I'm eating nothing but salads and fruits and I'm getting really frustrated and I'm not sure what to do about it.
earthbelow: (monty python)
Making soap while listening to rap music is worth an eyebrow lift I feel, but something about Timbaland works well when you're deciding exactly how rosy pink you want your bar of vanilla scented soap to be.

And the advantage of it all is that a) it's sort of self cleaning because its soap and b) frickin' surgeons don't have the clean yet soft and supple hands that I do.

In which I prattle about the making of soap, and you pretend to be interested, because that's how you roll. )
earthbelow: (monty python)
Two things that are true:

1. It is the first day of spring

2. It is snowing.
earthbelow: (kitteh_iz_ded)
One of the lenses fell out of my glasses as I was getting up from my desk, and it turns out that the screw that holds the bits of the frame together to keep said lens in is gone and never to be heard from again.

Actually, It's probably been gone for a while and the only thing holding my glasses together were God's good will and a thin coating lacquer.

Well, they ran out.

So I had to put in contacts that were like five years old and not even the right prescription (I felt like I was wearing beer goggles, which makes crossing the street interesting to say the least) just to go down the street to CVS to get a repair kit.

Except with the contacts, my up close and in between vision wasn't so good, and I was feeling really confused. So when I asked the very sweet Pharmacist Lady (who's always been a peach, I might add) where they were, I think she heard me mumbling, "This would be so much easier if I could see up close" and so she guided me to them.

So back I go, and I sit down at my desk and prepare to fix my glasses with the kit I got. Only to drop the only screw in the entire kit that fits my glasses. Which resulted in an all out, hands and knees, comb-the-floorboards type search for it.

I found it twenty minute and a couple of panic attacks later and finally got my glasses reassembled so I could wear them again and go back to normal vision.

At least tomorrow is Friday, and the first day of Spring, and the finale of Battlestar, and the date at which we have to go to a party for Andrew's coworker who departing the NYPD and moving to the DEA.

In conclusion, today: not so grate akshully. I may just go back to bed and wait it out for another 24 hours.
earthbelow: (kitteh_iz_ded)
I'm having one of those frustrating kind of days. First, because now it seems like apparently all the medical experts have decided that the 30 minutes a days for 4-5 days a week isn't enough. Now you need an hour of exercise per day to lose weight.

The idea of having to exercise for an hour kind of scares me. It's enough that my back and thighs are still functioning after the 40 minutes I'm already doing!

Meg and the Fat That Wouldn't Go Away. Part the Millionth. Cut because I'm sure my attempt to be less fat are probably boring the sweet lovely gobs off you by now. )

I gotta go do dishes before the Boy gets home. And I should actually post some of my gleeposts instead of just writing them down.


Thursday, 12 March 2009 16:35
earthbelow: (monty python)
For those keeping track, the gleeposts missing have been done on paper, and I figure that counts.

"To be able under all circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness and kindness."
- Confucius

5 Things That Were Good About Today
1. Sunshine-y!
2. A diet coke with my lunch
3. I have a new book to start!
4. My soreness from the Wii fit is subsiding as the day goes on
5. The wedding plans are starting to come together!

3 Things That I Did Well Today
1. The dishes
2. Worked out three days in a row with the new Wii
3. Gleeposted!

2 Things I Look Forward To
1. Losing the @#$%ing 3.1 pounds the Wii says I gained from yesterday. I did have some cookies, so probably my own damn fault. But still, 3.1 pounds? Frak me!
2. Gleeposting!
earthbelow: (kitteh_iz_ded)
We got our Wii fit yesterday from Amazon, and I'm psyched about it!

My adventures in Wii Fit Land, let me show you thems. Or: How I went from being 44 to 25 in ONE SINGLE DAY. Cut for people who could care less. )
earthbelow: (Default)
"I feel within me a peace above all earthly dignities, a still and quiet conscience."
-William Shakespeare

5 Things That Were Good About Today
1. Quiche for dinner
2. I'm already halfway through my new book
3. Sugar free pudding!
4. Tea, as always, is a joy.
5. The weather is continuing to get better

3 Things I Did Well Today
1. Stood up for my beliefs
2. Cleaned like a frickin' cleaning machine
3. Got more wedding plan things in line by getting on the horn and calling folks

2 Things I Look Forward To
1. Friday
2. Getting closer to completing projects!

(no subject)

Wednesday, 4 March 2009 18:27
earthbelow: (mood: sad/blah)
"Better times collide with now
and better times are coming still"

- Neko Case
"Widow's Toast"

5 Things That Were Good About Today
1. Grapes were still on sale at grocery store, so I got some. Will go easy on them so they last.
2. New Lost on tonight. That show has me so addicted and I used to hate it.
3. Tea! I forgot how much I liked Earl Grey
4. Finished the book I was reading (Sharp Teeth by Toby Barlow) and can start a new one
5. Got to take a brief nap. Am trying to limit naps to 20 minutes or less, because the scientific evidence that says that naps are good for cardiac health only pertains to naps lasting 15-20 minutes, not naps that last two hours and are more like mini-comas.

3 Things I Did Well
1. Called the Fountain of Youth coordinator person about wedding plans.
2. Got most of my errands run today
3. Gleeposted

2 Things I Look Forward To
1. Getting to the end of this writing project
2. Eating healthier

(no subject)

Tuesday, 3 March 2009 17:53
earthbelow: (monty python)
"Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity."
- Socrates

5 Things That Were Good About Today
1. Almost finished with the book I'm reading
2. Hot tea
3. Snow!
4. Got to have a little bit of a nap
5. Yummy leftovers

3 Things I Did Well
1. Did dishes
2. Got writing done
3. Gleeposted!

2 Things I Look Forward To
1. More gleeposting
2. Eating well, and maybe getting some exercise done

(no subject)

Sunday, 1 March 2009 21:28
earthbelow: (monty python)
"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give."
- Winston Churchill

5 Things That Were Good About Today
1. Wandering around the bookstore, even though I didn't buy anything
2. Watching the new Futurama movie!
3. Chocolate! I can has.
4. Going by and seeing the kitties and puppies at the pet adoption place at Atlas Park
5. The pharmacist switched my birth control back to the right thing without me asking when they noticed that it went from triphasic to monophasic. Yay, I'm back on the right stuff!
6. Neko Case's new album. Here, have a sample: Red Tide*

3 Things That I Did Well Today
1. Practiced as much moderation as is possible with chocolate
2. Did dishes
3. Gleeposted (with music!)

2 Things I Look Forward To
1. Starting a new week, a chance to do better
2. Exercising and doing healthy things
3. (bonus) Finishing my writing project

*Please let me know if the download link expires. Also, go buy the album if you can or at least some tracks off iTunes so we can keep Neko singing.
earthbelow: (default)
"It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquility and occupation which give happiness."
- Thomas Jefferson

5 Things That Were Good About Today
1. It's Saturday
2. Yummy dinner made by the Boy!
3. Naptime. I love naptime.
4. Walking down Myrtle Avenue (even with the closed stores that were sad)
5. Talking with [livejournal.com profile] tptigger. Talking with her always gives me great glee.

3 Things I Did Well
1. Went out and walked and got at least some nominal exercise
2. Was diplomatic and smoothed some ruffled feathers over some drama
3. Gleeposted!

2 Things I Look Forward To
1. Continuing to gleepost and keep my word for Lent
2. Getting some writing done.
earthbelow: (kitteh_iz_ded)
Walking down Myrtle Avenue, within in a half mile stretch, I saw ten different stores that had gone out of business.

And a couple of weeks ago, while we were going to the pharmacy, we saw a store being backed up and closed because it, too, went out of business. It was a family business, and the woman who worked the counter was wiping down the windows for the last time and crying as we passed by. I didn't have to wonder what she was crying about.
earthbelow: (monty python)
"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."
- Albert Einstein

5 Things That Were Good About Today
1. Continuing nice weather
2. Even more beautiful music to listen to. I think I have a new favorite artist.
3. Friday! I love Fridays!
4. New Battlestar Galactica.
5. Talked to both my grandmothers today, so that was gleeful. Both are doing well.

3 Things I Did Well Today
1. Substituted fruit for sugary treat I actually wanted
2. Got the giant mound of dishes done
3. Gleeposted on time!

2 Things I Look Forward To
1. Spending time with the Boy tomorrow since he's off work
2. Continuing to gleepost and keep with Lent


earthbelow: (Default)

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