earthbelow: (mood: sad/blah)
In the wake of this family drama, I've really started contemplating on how much better my life is as an adult than when I was child, and I thought I'd make a list of things I no longer have to put up with now that I am an adult:

33 reasons that adulthood is actually, WAY, WAY BETTER )
earthbelow: (Default)
5 Things That Are Good About Today

1. It isn't Monday
2. I haven't had another panic attack.
3. Made the bus on time and there was actually room to sit down.
4. Co-worker asked how I was, and it made me happy that someone noticed my absence yesterday.
5. Soup is very comforting on days like these.

Things I Did Well

1. Have eaten very well (under 400 calories thus far)
2. Went to work despite feeling really shaky
3. Have tried to soldier on very bravely

2 Things I Look Forward To

1. Going home, collapsing, hiding under blankets
2. Not having ANY MORE PANIC ATTACKS. (Ever).
earthbelow: (DO NOT WANT)
I called into work today because I'm feeling about ten different types of crappy. Physically and psychologically.

I feel very sick and last night I woke up in the middle of a panic attack that lasted about three hours and was about a 10 on the richter scale of panic attacks. Uncontrollable shaking, crying, fear of dying and losing my mind all combined with severe stomach pains. I was *this* close to telling Andrew to call 911 because I felt like I couldn't breathe, couldn't think.

I think what triggered it was that I sort of woke up in the middle of a dream and sometimes when I dream, I'm not completely myself and I realized that I was kind of awake but I didn't know if I was me and I started thinking as though I was the person I was dreaming about.

And I have a very, very strong phobia of becoming schizophrenic or in any other way losing my ability to stay in contact with reality. The idea of becoming psychotic and suddenly not being myself anymore terrifies me.

Not that I was that much better off last night.

It also may or may not have had to do with my blood sugar crashing.

All I know is that it was far more traumatic and terrifying than when I got into a car accident, was slammed into by another car going 70 MPH and got to sit around looking at my own foot bones sticking out of my foot.

I cannot even think of what I'd do if I had to deal with other people or work or society today. So far I've kept afloat by sleeping a lot (because I was too scared to sleep until about 3am last night) and watching The Presidents on DVD and House episodes.

I'm wondering if it's something I need to tell a doctor about.


earthbelow: (Default)

August 2009

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