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earthbelow
I jumped around a few links after seeing an article on ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
br0ken_dolly's lj about how Divorce is not environmentally friendly - which actually sounds more like a problem with the way Americans expend energy than with divorced.
The article noted that divorce rates are going up worldwide while in America divorce rates and marriage rates are dropping. The article is getting it's info from The Rutgers Marriage Project. I started reading the Rutgers University Natioanl Marriage Project website and the section that says "About the NMP"
What I'm about to say next is rather hypocritical, perhaps, but when I got to reading the information the Rutger's site I noticed that they're all about preparing young people for marriage, but then I stopped and I asked myself: Why?
Why is marriage so important in the first place? Yeah, I know. I'm about to get married myself (eventually), but there are a lot of aspects of the entire thing that I'd like to chuck in the bin.
For one, I don't even really want a wedding. Frankly, if we all wore jeans, had a cookout so that my family and his could finally shake hands with each other and then went home, I'd be just freaking fine. In fact, I'd be overjoyed. I'd like our families to meet, but I don't want to have to be in a stupid white dress for it to happen. I don't want to spend the exorbitant amount of money that even a low-key wedding will cost, and I certainly don't want to have to commit the time, effort, and attention that it will take to get everything done.
For second, I have no intention of ever taking anyone's name. The Boy is okay with this. There's no reason for me to change my name. My last name (Freeman for anyone who's curious) is infinitely easier for people to pronounce than his (which is Ukranian in origin).
For third, we have no intention of having children. Ever. In a few years I'm going to seriously look into get sterilized so that I can quit having to worry over varying methods of birth control. We're both in agreement on this issue as well.
What I *DO* want is to spend the rest of my life with him, share everything with him, wake up in the morning to him, and go to bed with him at night. I want to do all of this so long as it's both making us happy (in the true, long term sense of that word, not the immediate one).
Well, honestly, you don't even need to be married to achieve the things that we've already achieved. I have what I want. I'm living it right now. As we speak.
That's because the institution of marriage isn't designed for a love relationship. It was never intended to be about love.
The way marriage was designed, with all the trappings, was about property, reproduction, and finance. More than that, it was designed in a society where men were little rulers over their households and women were assets rather than partners. It was also designed in a world where 70-90% of the population all did the same thing: farming.
You got married to have kids, you had kids so they could work the farm and at least one of them could take over the farm and keep farming it so people could keep eating. It was all about the farm.
Well, in America, less than 10% of our population farms. So an agricultural, patriarchal system just doesn't work in today's more cosmopolitan, egalitarian society.
Frankly, if we just restructured a few financial things and tweaked the laws concerning inheritance, property, and child custody a little, we could effortlessly get rid of all marriage, as we know it, and the world would flow a lot smoother. Because we wouldn't be trying to lug around this huge, unwieldy, out of date concept while trying to make everything else work.
Trying to teach young people to achieve a good marriage in today's society, with our society's ideals? Is like trying to teach them to play tennis with a baseball. If you really work hard, and really want to win, and don't mind sweating a lot, you can do it. But most people will just end up failing, because the design and the use of marriage have deviated too far from each other.
Frankly, we need a new institution. It's not people that need to change, it's marriage.
And the first thing that should change is the ability of the government to EVER define, control, legislate, or interfere in marriage. The second - well, that's another rant.
br0ken_dolly's lj about how Divorce is not environmentally friendly - which actually sounds more like a problem with the way Americans expend energy than with divorced.The article noted that divorce rates are going up worldwide while in America divorce rates and marriage rates are dropping. The article is getting it's info from The Rutgers Marriage Project. I started reading the Rutgers University Natioanl Marriage Project website and the section that says "About the NMP"
What I'm about to say next is rather hypocritical, perhaps, but when I got to reading the information the Rutger's site I noticed that they're all about preparing young people for marriage, but then I stopped and I asked myself: Why?
Why is marriage so important in the first place? Yeah, I know. I'm about to get married myself (eventually), but there are a lot of aspects of the entire thing that I'd like to chuck in the bin.
For one, I don't even really want a wedding. Frankly, if we all wore jeans, had a cookout so that my family and his could finally shake hands with each other and then went home, I'd be just freaking fine. In fact, I'd be overjoyed. I'd like our families to meet, but I don't want to have to be in a stupid white dress for it to happen. I don't want to spend the exorbitant amount of money that even a low-key wedding will cost, and I certainly don't want to have to commit the time, effort, and attention that it will take to get everything done.
For second, I have no intention of ever taking anyone's name. The Boy is okay with this. There's no reason for me to change my name. My last name (Freeman for anyone who's curious) is infinitely easier for people to pronounce than his (which is Ukranian in origin).
For third, we have no intention of having children. Ever. In a few years I'm going to seriously look into get sterilized so that I can quit having to worry over varying methods of birth control. We're both in agreement on this issue as well.
What I *DO* want is to spend the rest of my life with him, share everything with him, wake up in the morning to him, and go to bed with him at night. I want to do all of this so long as it's both making us happy (in the true, long term sense of that word, not the immediate one).
Well, honestly, you don't even need to be married to achieve the things that we've already achieved. I have what I want. I'm living it right now. As we speak.
That's because the institution of marriage isn't designed for a love relationship. It was never intended to be about love.
The way marriage was designed, with all the trappings, was about property, reproduction, and finance. More than that, it was designed in a society where men were little rulers over their households and women were assets rather than partners. It was also designed in a world where 70-90% of the population all did the same thing: farming.
You got married to have kids, you had kids so they could work the farm and at least one of them could take over the farm and keep farming it so people could keep eating. It was all about the farm.
Well, in America, less than 10% of our population farms. So an agricultural, patriarchal system just doesn't work in today's more cosmopolitan, egalitarian society.
Frankly, if we just restructured a few financial things and tweaked the laws concerning inheritance, property, and child custody a little, we could effortlessly get rid of all marriage, as we know it, and the world would flow a lot smoother. Because we wouldn't be trying to lug around this huge, unwieldy, out of date concept while trying to make everything else work.
Trying to teach young people to achieve a good marriage in today's society, with our society's ideals? Is like trying to teach them to play tennis with a baseball. If you really work hard, and really want to win, and don't mind sweating a lot, you can do it. But most people will just end up failing, because the design and the use of marriage have deviated too far from each other.
Frankly, we need a new institution. It's not people that need to change, it's marriage.
And the first thing that should change is the ability of the government to EVER define, control, legislate, or interfere in marriage. The second - well, that's another rant.
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no subject
Date: 6 Jan 2008 04:31 (UTC)the thing with marriage is that it *does* afford certain people "special rights" (ironic when you figure that the main argument against gay marriage is that they don't want to afford gays "special rights")... there are tons of rights married people have to protect and support each other, rights that any two people (of differing genders) can get with $25-50 and a trip to the town hall.
the legal benefits are the only reason that i really think people need to get married these days. on the other hand, the social deviant in me wants to tell everyone DONT DO IT! DONT GET MARRIED! to make a point. to show people. to make a big fucking statement. but back on the first hand... it'd sure be great to know that if/when the time comes, my partner can tell the doctors to pull the plug and not make me suffer longer than i have to. and they can take over my finances in the event i become old and senile. or they don't have to testify against me in court if something like that comes up. health insurance. car insurance. life insurance.
and, for what it's worth-- your marriage is about you. i know you're close with you're family, and you want to make them happy too, but it really is YOUR day. your family is not marrying andrew, YOU are. and you both should do it the way you both want to do it and the way you'll feel most happy and comfortable, and in 30 years you look on it with great fondness and love.
i've been married before, and i spent so much time worrying and stressing over doing it the way i was "supposed" to do it to make folks happy, that by the time the day finally arrived, i was miserable and just wanted it to be over. i didn't enjoy myself at all, and i hated it. if i'd just done what i *really* wanted (a small personal ceremony with immediate family, and then gone out to dinner), i'm sure it would have been a wonderful day. (and my wedding that i *did* have wasn't traditional at all, for what it's worth. i still tried to put "me" into it, and please everyone at the same time.) seriously. i know i'm not you and i know i don't have to live with your decision, but seriously. do it how you want. people will get over it. and i bet they'd have a great time, too. because they're celebrating you and andrew and your love. and that's a huge deal.
sorry to hijack teh lj with my rambling..
no subject
Date: 7 Jan 2008 02:22 (UTC)Relationships should fit us. It's not about us squeezing into a role that pinches, pulls, and just doesn't fit.
I'm glad you 2 aren't conforming to do what you "should" do according to other people. :)