earthbelow

So, a big chunk of my life is in boxes. Which serves to tell me, in no uncertain terms:

Yes, your life really is falling apart in stages like a rocket launching into orbit.

All big moments and holding your breath and being afraid of shaking apart if you really think about what you're doing and hoping nothing blows up before you get there and being worried that when you do get there, you're going to run out of air and die suffocating a million miles from home.

In literal terms, I know I only have three days left 'til I walk, but it feels like I have three more years to get through - because there's so damn much to do and all these people want a piece of me before I go, all these people who have some last minute agenda for me.

And on top of it, I still have two exams and a paper. None of which I actually know how to do. But that's par for the course for every semester of my life since high school.

But really, I just want to pack and enjoy my last few days on Earth in Florida.

I'm memorizing the visceral details of things, packing them up in my mind. In boxes that I'll take out when I want to remember things.

Like the way the grass greens up after a rainstorm and the way my dogs' ears have the softest fuzz and what the weight of a dog's body feels like on top of the blanket by your feet and how much I like the sandwiches they have at this one place on campus and how nice it is to walk around on campus in the spring before it gets hot and everything is windy and the beautiful darkness of the sky when it's about to rain. The way my mom and I always go to movies on Saturdays and it's our ritual and you can't open the cheese to the nachoes until the movie starts.

This *really* is happening. If I sound a little sad and a whole lot freaked, I am. I feel frazzled and my body has been physically sore for three days now. I am so, so tired. Part of me would give anything to stay. Part of me just wants to get it over with and be there already.

And part of me is sitting in boxes, wondering if it'll still be intact when I get up to New York. Because there's a lot of bumps and jolts and a hundred little lasts to get over before I'm done.

Last movie, last time you see your school, last time you see people, last time you go somewhere, last time you touch someone, last time you sleep in your bed, last time you can call it home.

1. Crossing my fingers for The Boy tomorrow. You should all do the same. Job interview and all that.

2. Watched a program with my mom about super obese people. I don't mean that in the valley girl sense. The technical term is super obese. They were somewhere in the 600-1000 pound range. I didn't look at it that I'm luckier than them, but that even if their battle is bigger than mine, it's the same battle. Maybe I just want to fit into smaller sizes and get rid of my health issues. Maybe they just want to be able to walk long distances or get out of bed. The two successful women, the ones who lost 800 pounds between them, were the ones who focused on the joys of getting better.

I'm beginning to believe that maybe joy could heal us all.

And the brain scans they showed pertaining to dopamine receptors and obese people seem to back me up.

3. Missed the cap and gown deadline for school. But I'm sure I'm not the first grad to, and I'm totally marching down to the bookstore tomorrow to take care of it. Next time I graduate, I'm not moving at the same time.

4. I've been informed I have a nice surprise waiting for me after graduation. Both The Boy and my mother are in on it. I think my entire family might be. Everyone is keeping mum. But I wanna know now. Not that I don't wanna be surprised, but I wanna know what it is. Come on, we all shake the boxes before we tear the paper off. People are all spoiler whores at heart.

5. TOMORROW IS Q-DAY!