How To Become A Spacemonkey In Ten Days

[earthbelow]

So, a big chunk of my life is in boxes. Which serves to tell me, in no uncertain terms:

Yes, your life really is falling apart in stages like a rocket launching into orbit.

All big moments and holding your breath and being afraid of shaking apart if you really think about what you're doing and hoping nothing blows up before you get there and being worried that when you do get there, you're going to run out of air and die suffocating a million miles from home.

In literal terms, I know I only have three days left 'til I walk, but it feels like I have three more years to get through - because there's so damn much to do and all these people want a piece of me before I go, all these people who have some last minute agenda for me.

And on top of it, I still have two exams and a paper. None of which I actually know how to do. But that's par for the course for every semester of my life since high school.

But really, I just want to pack and enjoy my last few days on Earth in Florida.

I'm memorizing the visceral details of things, packing them up in my mind. In boxes that I'll take out when I want to remember things.

Like the way the grass greens up after a rainstorm and the way my dogs' ears have the softest fuzz and what the weight of a dog's body feels like on top of the blanket by your feet and how much I like the sandwiches they have at this one place on campus and how nice it is to walk around on campus in the spring before it gets hot and everything is windy and the beautiful darkness of the sky when it's about to rain. The way my mom and I always go to movies on Saturdays and it's our ritual and you can't open the cheese to the nachoes until the movie starts.

This *really* is happening. If I sound a little sad and a whole lot freaked, I am. I feel frazzled and my body has been physically sore for three days now. I am so, so tired. Part of me would give anything to stay. Part of me just wants to get it over with and be there already.

And part of me is sitting in boxes, wondering if it'll still be intact when I get up to New York. Because there's a lot of bumps and jolts and a hundred little lasts to get over before I'm done.

Last movie, last time you see your school, last time you see people, last time you go somewhere, last time you touch someone, last time you sleep in your bed, last time you can call it home.

Comments

[tptigger.livejournal.com]

::huggles::

Though my Mom tends to bite my head off if I call my place home instead of theirs. So it all depends.

But ::huggles::

You can do this. I have every confidence in you.

[br0ken_dolly]

it's always home, you know. you can have more than one home, too.

isn't it funny that when i left new haven, the first thing i missed was the falafel restaurant? i mean, i uprooted my life and everything i ever knew (which was the northeast) and plopped it down in a freakin' cornfield in nebraska. and all i wanted was a damn falafel sandwich. but there were other things with that... late nights hanging out with like andrew (and jen before she went nuts), and just the coolness that i finally found in life, after lotsa years of crap.

i mean, your mileage may vary and i'm all melancholy and fucked up thinking about what you've written (and my big day tomorrow) and it's late at night, but, hopefully you know what i mean.

ps: i totally think you've earned a massage after all this crap is over.

i'm proud of you, you know. all of this is no small feat, from college to moving to just changing with life. and also, andrew's my favoritest friend. i'm glad he's got a girl like you.

[denoue-moi.livejournal.com]

Need any help with anything? (Not empty question. Will do anything you need me to do.)

[thousandpages.livejournal.com]

I love your icon (randomly).

I've got most stuff done, but the offer means a lot.