I don't need no steenkin' closet

[earthbelow]

What does this mean?

Childfree means that I've made the decision that I never plan or intend to have children. This is different from childless. Childless, as far as I'm concerned, just refers to anyone of childbearing age who doesn't have children, and has nothing to do with whether they want to.



Why?

I get that question when I tell people (selectively) about my decision. Mostly, it's about the fact that I feel I have other things to do with my life. Now let's not mince words. I'm not saying that having children is a lesser life choice. I'm saying that for me *personally* and only me, children just aren't an option.

Having children takes more than just economic resources. It takes emotional resources. Emotional resources I just don't think I'll ever have.

Also, I plain just don't *want* children.

I don't want to have them. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to go through labor. I don't want to wake up at 3am for months and months. I don't want to change diapers. I don't want to clean crayon off the walls. I don't want to deal with a rebellious teenager.

I respect people who do. Who feel that doing so is the best thing for them to do.

But for me, it's not.



But that's so *selfish*

Yeah, I've gotten this one, too. And I fail to understand it every single time.

How is *abstaining* from creating a human being I know that I don't want *at all* a selfish thing? Would be less selfish to have a baby and then spend a life time resenting it for taking my time/energy/freedom, when all I had to do was just *not* have one and make everyone happier? Well, except maybe you.

Is that all people are? Is that all *women* are? Is the entirety of my femininity, my womanhood, my female identity predicated on my reproductive capabilities?

Am I just a uterus with legs?

Am I only worth something if I produce little mini!Megs?

I don't think so. I think I have a lot to contribute to the world in *non* child form.

Selfish is doing something that hurts somebody for the sake of yourself. How is *not* having a child hurting anyone? If anything, it's helping!

Look at the world. We in America and other countries may not feel it, but overpopulation *is* an issue. There are millions, *billions* even, of children who don't have anywhere to go, who don't have enough food, who don't have sufficient resources. And having *more* children won't help that.

Me not having a child doesn't hurt you. Hey, one less kid for *your* children (if you have/will have any) to compete with in the schools, the job market, the world.

I think it would be infinitely more selfish to bring a child into this world just to get *your* approval.



Well, you'll change your mind when you're older. *pats head*

This is *worse* than the "selfishness" reaction. At least the selfishness reaction gives me credit for being a grown, intellectually and ethically competent adult.

I'm a 21 year old woman. I'm legal to vote, smoke, drink, drive, have sex with whoever the *hell* I chose (given their consent and them being over 18) and I think I'm plenty old and mature enough to make life decisions.

Frankly, if this is your reaction, you need to be off my friends list and outta my life by *sundown*, sweetheart. Because that's just smarmy, disrespectful, and damnably ignorant on your part. How dare you? How dare you look at me as though I'm not capable of rationally and carefully making a decision? How dare you sit in judgement on me because I made a different decision than you?

I'm 21. I've been sitting at the adult table for a *while* now and I deserve to be treated with the respect you extend to *any* other adult, be they 21, 41, or 71.

Acting as though at 21 I don't have the wherewithal to make such a decision? Really shows that you don't respect me.

Being older doesn't make you mature. Having children doesn't make you mature. Maturity comes from innate wisdom when it learns to deal with the problems life throws at it. Saying something like this proves you're seriously lacking in anything that isn't innate arrogance.

I'm sorry you don't agree with my life choice.

Actually, I'm not. I'm not sorry at all. I'm sorry that you apparently can't be mature enough to say "well, okay, that's your choice and I'm happy for you."

I'm not asking you to agree. I'm not asking you to join me. I'm not asking you to wave a flag, buy a bumper sticker, wear a tee-shirt.

I'm asking you to respect that what's right for you doesn't have to be right for me. And that we can both be totally correct in what we do, even when we're doing completely different things.

Having children isn't an obligation or a duty. It's a choice. And that maybe, for some people like me, not having kids is the best possible decision.

It doesn't make you wrong. But it doesn't make me wrong either.


Do you hate children?

No. I do not hate children. I like kids, really. I just happen to also like the fact that they don't come home with me.

What I hate is children who's parents can't control them. Or more accurately can't control *themselves* and handle their children rationally enough to keep them from being a problem.

When children become a nuances/dangers/problems, it's mostly the parents I get mad at. Children are *children* precisely because they lack impulse control, decision making, and judgement that adults have. You know? The reason you don't run up and down the aisles at WalMart or draw on your desk with crayon. It's not their fault. They haven't physically, emotionally, and psychologically developed to that point.

What I hate are lousy parents.


Do you hate people who have children?

Oh god no.

Because, if you do the math, that would include my mother, father, and all of my grandparents and great-grandparents. And aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

Eventually it would even include my sister.

A lot of people who I consider to be very good friends have children/are having children/will have children. I don't resent them in the least or think less of them because they've made the decision that they *do* want to have children. No more than I'd think different if they said "I'm gay!" or "I'm straight!".

I'm very happy for them, and I think it's great that they're making their decisions in life. Some people really *should* have kids. Some people are great parents.

Me, not so much.



But you'll be missing out on so much!

No, I won't.

Because what you get out of it - the fun of waiting for a baby, and then watching it grow, being a parent, doing the baby clothes thing and the toddler thing and the soccer mom thing.

I wouldn't enjoy them.

Think of it like this:

Let's say I don't like country music, at all. I don't listen to it. And let's say YOU love country music. You listen to nothing but.

You come up to me and you say "I got tickets to see Tim McGraw (famous country singer)! You've gotta come, it'll be great!"

And I *don't* like country music, so I say, "No thanks. I don't like country music."

Then you say, "But you don't know what you're missing out on, it's great!"

It won't matter. Even if I went and did it, all the thing that you love about it would be lost on me. I'd be miserable the entire time and I'd resent you, resent the concert, everything. Because I don't like country music.

See how easy that is when you plug in different words?



But what if you change your mind? How can you *know* you'll never want children?

If I change my mind, I change my mind. That's fine.

And while it's certainly true I can't predict the future and that I probably will be a different person in 10 years, there are some things I'm pretty damn sure won't change.

I'm different from when I was 15, but there are some things that are still the same. I like a lot of the same things, I talk to a lot of the same people.

Some things really *do* stay the same.

I believe, in my heart of hearts, this is one of them. Because it's been in my heart for a long time. I've never wanted to have kids. I didn't play with dolls as a little girl. I played Power Rangers and looked at dinosaurs and horse books and took things apart. And I know there are just some things - frilly pink dresses and pantyhose and make up and playing house - that *aren't* me.

Some things change - the songs you like, your hair cut, your body, the guy you're dating.

Some things don't.




But what if the guy you marry wants kids?

1. Isn't that more my issue than yours?

2. Who say's I'll marry and/or it'll be a guy?

3. That's why you *date* people and get to know them before you walk down the aisle. By the time I *do* get married (if ever), that issue will have been addressed and dealt with.

I'm open about this. I've been open about this with romantic partners since I was a *sophomore* in high school. I told my very first boyfriend, Josh, straight up that I was a no-kids woman. I told my second boyfriend, Richard, that. And every boyfriend since.

The guy I'm with now, Andrew has assured me he's not interested in kids, either.

Can I 100% predict that he won't EVER want kids? No. I can't predict other people's feelings/thoughts/emotions. Not even people I care about as deeply as I do Andrew. No matter how fun it would be.

But let me tell you a little tale of my co-worker, who I'll call Mark.

Mark is about 40ish and childfree. And one day he related to me that he'd been married before, and that the reason he divorced was that his wife kept asking him for children and he really didn't want children. So one day, he said, he just sat down and told her that it wasn't going to work. It wasn't fair to stay married knowing he *wasn't* going to ever want kids.

So they divorced.

Mark - he's married again to another wife, who he loves very much. They are childfree.

His ex-wife is also married, with a man she loves, and they have kids.

It worked out quite well, you see?

This question is the same thing as me asking you, "Well, what if your husband/wife down the road decides they don't love you anymore? That they want to run away with some teenage bimbo/himbo from the supermarket? That they're gay/straight (depending) and want to be with someone of a different gender? That they want to convert to a different religion?"

What happens to anyone who gets married/committed and suddenly their partner decides to make a big change?

Thing is? I don't worry about it. Not because I don't think it's impossible. It's totally possible. I know that at any time, the rug could get pulled out from underneath me.

I just happen to know I'm strong, smart, healthy, and just plain good enough to get back up again and deal and find happiness again.

So if it all falls through and Andrew wants kids and I don't?

I'll deal. We'll deal.

It's what people do.


Okay, good for you. But why do you feel the need to make a big entry about it?

Ah. The first good question I've gotten all evening.

I feel the need to make an entry because a) it's my journal and I *can* and b) because I really wanted to be open about this, to make it known.

While *not* saying I'm childfree certainly isn't lying, I'd just like to be *clear*. And I wanted to get some thoughts out and respond to some nasty responses I've gotten over time and really...I just wanted people to know. I wanted people to try to understand where I'm coming from on this.

Doesn't mean I want people to become childfree or that I think everyone should or even that I agree with everyone *else* who is childfree.

Lots people at childfree really do not like children and they rant and while I respect that, I don't always share their view points. I don't call children "sprogs" or "spawn", because I remember being a kid and I remember having feelings and thinking I deserved respect as much as anyone else. Children are people and I extend to them the respect, courtesy, and basic understanding I extend to all human beings - no matter how much they annoy/anger/depress/frighten me.

I personally have lots of sympathy for children, and think they deserve to be treated well by their parents, teachers, friends, and people around them. I think that they should only be brought into the world after careful thought, consideration, and preparation. I think children can be very wonderful, but just like animals, romanticizing them and forgetting their true nature and what they really do only leads to trouble. Wolves and bears will attack you. Dogs bite. Cats scratch. It's what they do when the right stimulus comes around.

But I guess I'm just a little (read: a whole lot) tired of being told (by people and culture and TV commercials and movies and magazines) that ultimate happiness *only* comes in a minivan full of kids - that living off the beaten path is a bad, dangerous place where I'll end up lonely and unhappy and morally corrupt.

I'm also tired of family ONLY meaning mom, dad, and kids. Family takes a lot of forms and isn't always defined by blood relationships. Your family and your relatives can be and often are two different sets of people. And maybe, just maybe, it's entirely possible to be very happy and have a family without having kids.



- Meg

Comments

[ladyslvr.livejournal.com]

Yeah!!!!

Well-said, as always.

Tho I can no longer sit on the fence of child-free, I still very much appreciate the view point. Having kids is selfish. Absolutely. I'm about to be very selfish, and I'm still not sure it's the right decision. It'll make a lot of people very happy, true, but a huge part of me (no, not my stomach) feels guilty about adding yet another human life to this planet. Of course, people have often accused me of being very selfish, so maybe this is just a case in point :)

I wish more people were able to say they were childfree and mean it.