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Sometimes I really want to laugh and/or cry at some of the sex positivity blogs and websites and things that I see around the internet. I was looking at Violet Blue's blog (warning: very explicit! It's a sex blog, what do you expect?) and, well, I think I nearly cried and not in a good way.

Because I look at the pictures and sites and things they promote and I think, "Gee, it's funny how your sex positivity always seems to include people who look like supermodels."

When you're 5'9 and 110 pounds, the world's chock full of sex positivity for you. Because you're pretty, and attractive. Because you're blonde and white. Because you're pretty much the embodiment of traditional sex. Everyone in the whole fucking world is encouraging you to feel pretty and have sex and be free and show your body.

But heavens forfend you should be one of the masses of people who aren't supermodels. Who maybe are overweight/obese, or just not liposuctioned and toned and tanned to perfect. Maybe you have scars from surgery and injuries. Maybe you had a mastectomy and suddenly, your breasts aren't the kind people would put on a website for money, maybe you don't even have both of them anymore. Maybe you had two kids and your body has changed and you have stretchmarks and a bit of a tummy that's not going away and a bigger ass than you once did. Maybe you were born with a different kind of body than other people, or something happened that put you well outside the realm of "pretty". Maybe you're not 25 anymore. Maybe you're 45 or 65.

Because the same people who are all about "sex empowerment!" and "sex is good!" are suddenly unable to find anything about you enjoying sex to be attractive or worthy of their attentions. Those same people would probably, if they ever did come across you daring to display your sexuality, wince and say, "Ewww, put that away!"

It's made perfectly clear who's sex Violet Blue is positive about it, and it ain't mine. Because the people like me? We're not included in the empowerment party. We're left on our own to wonder if we're worthy of being celebrated, of being given pleasure, of being thought of as beautiful.

So you know what, Violet Blue and all you other Pretty People Only sex positivity bloggers? Fuck you. Enjoy your little plastic world full of fake people. Enjoy thinking you're actually doing something good when you're really just perpetuating all the worst bits of sexual discrimination in our society.

Oh, and a double fuck you for this. These are *not* natural bodies, and I highly doubt they're natural lesbians either. I could show you some real lesbians, but you wouldn't like them because they don't come in that perfectly prepackaged shape you seem to enjoy. Because their bodies don't look like that. Because they're the kind of beautiful, the kind of real, the kind of wonderful that you just don't have the eyes to see apparently.

I struggle with this so much, you know? I see all these things about how sex is great, but it's never people like me having sex or being held up as beautiful and empowered. And please, do NOT point me to some fetish site for Chubby Chasers, because that's not what I mean at all. That would be like going to a site for "interracial" porn and saying somehow, that's a step towards ending racism. In neither of those sites is the object of desire actually empowered at all.

In fact, a lot of those sites go a long way towards keeping the prejudices going. The sites where you see some morbidly obese naked woman gleefully shoving chocolate or food into her mouth or smeared in it just keeps convincing people that, of course, if you're overweight/obese that you're just someone who eats and eats and eats all day long and lays around.

Because nobody exists who's trying their hardest to workout and eat right and cut their calories and fat and sugar to get down to a healthy weight, even though even at the weight I'm supposed to be, society would still call me fat. Because nobody exists who's fat but jogs three miles in the morning. I, apparently, don't exist. Because I do all those things.

Just like the interracial sites that feature black male models who are muscled to the point of near absurdity have twenty foot long penises who go around deflowering all the sweet little white women. Because that hasn't been an excuse for racists since *ever*. Because black men who have average sized penises and average sized bodies and no interest in white women what so ever don't exist either.

I don't want to be someone's fetish, someone's freak show. I'm not a fetish, I'm not a freak show. I'm a person, a real person. My name is Meg, and I'm fat, and I'm bisexual, and my favorite time of the year is autumn, and I love dogs, and god-fucking-dammit, I'm REAL. I'm right here. I exist. And I'm worth something. I'm worth attention. I'm worth respect. I'm worth consideration. Come talk to me, and see that for yourself.

Because these people you won't show? These people you ignore? They have names and sexualities and favorite things and families and needs and feelings, too. Feelings as valid and worthy as mine. They're not fetishes or freaks, either.

I want someone to look at me, and say, "you're beautiful. Not because of or in spite of your weight, but because you're just beautiful as you are".

I'm lucky, I have a fiancee who says that to me, but it's hard to weigh his one voice against an entire society that tells me, on the daily, that my appearance is so abhorrent, so ugly, so despicable and disgusting that entire TV shows are dedicated to getting rid of it (Biggest Loser, for example). Not to mention all the plastic surgery and makeover shows out there, also showing that if you don't make yourself look supermodel perky every morning that you're almost too ugly to live.

So, again, to Violet Blue and her ilk, I say fuck you. Because you know what? Yes, you're fabulous and pretty right now, but you won't always be. Maybe you'll never be fat or scarred or different. God forbid (and I actually mean that, I wish you no harm, whatever your stupidity), your body should be deformed or changed in front of your eyes.

But everyone gets old, and one day, the very system that you just keep feeding into will eat you alive. Because one day, you'll be 65 or 70 and suddenly, you'll find out what it's like when people aren't so positive about your sexuality anymore.

And as for me? It won't be so hard for me to be 65 or 70 or even 90. Because I'm used to dealing with being "ugly". So when that time rolls around, it's going to be you and yours at the disadvantage, not me.

Date: 10 Mar 2009 15:31 (UTC)
From: [identity profile] denoue-moi.livejournal.com
I love you for posting this. I think you are beautiful. You have pretty hair, nice eyes, and rockin' tits, if I may say so.

Andy Warhol said something like "the more you look at the same thing, the more the meaning goes away, and the better and emptier you feel." I don't know about better, but I do know empty. Maybe 'better' is only applicable in this sense if you feel like you match the ideal. Oh, but who does?

But the images are meaningless. In their clean, idealized shots, they have obliterated sex. Which is, you know, messy by definition. Sex is like my desk: if it's too clean, no work is being done.



Date: 10 Mar 2009 16:05 (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thousandpages.livejournal.com
I think you are beautiful.

Aww, thank you. I think you're beautiful too. I envy that you can pull off being just about any hair color. I think your legs are KNOCKIN' ME OUT WITH THEM AMERICAN THIGHS, as AC/DC once said and you have a gorgeous figure, and your ta-tas are the kind you bring home to mama. :) Also, dude, you have like this perfect face. With lips and eyes, and the nose? The nose is too perfect for words.

In their clean, idealized shots, they have obliterated sex. Which is, you know, messy by definition. Sex is like my desk: if it's too clean, no work is being done.

YES, THIS. THIS THIS THIS. How is it you always know how to say things better than I can? That's right: because one of the sexiest organs on you is your GINORMOUS, GORGEOUS BRAIN.

They don't just obliterate sex, they obliterate the human body. I mean, look at Greek statues of old. I know even those were idealized, but you gotta give the old Greek guys credit. They were a lot more true to life than porn models are.

Date: 10 Mar 2009 19:04 (UTC)
From: [identity profile] denoue-moi.livejournal.com
Aww, no. You're so nice to me.

Really? My nose? Thanks.

I've been thinking about your post some more while I was outside enjoying the signs of spring (pear trees blooming, crocuses coming up, and pitbull puppies.)

I don't know how people go to fetish clubs/match sites. Who wants to be loved just because you're fat or thin or blonde or Asian or whatever?

Date: 10 Mar 2009 23:23 (UTC)
From: [identity profile] latimer84.livejournal.com
When I first saw you write When you're 5'9 and 110 pounds I thought, "Holy crap don't tell me that's considered obese nowadays!" because I have no idea what ridiculous standard is the norm right now.

Suffice to say the girls in those links are ludicrously skinny, in an unhealthy and (I would argue) unsexy kind of way.

Also, please tell me you read Dan Savage, because he wants us all to have great sex!

Date: 12 Mar 2009 05:14 (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nightsinge.livejournal.com
Yeah other than the fact that he thinks a woman's parts are like a can of Spam that fell out of a building and exploded on the sidewalk...or whatever it was that he said.

Don't get me wrong, I love Savage. I just don't understand why so many damn gay boys have to be grossed out by the vajayjay when almost every lesbian I know thinks guy-on-guy sex is hot.

Date: 12 Mar 2009 05:26 (UTC)
From: [identity profile] latimer84.livejournal.com
I just don't understand why so many damn gay boys have to be grossed out by the vajayjay when almost every lesbian I know thinks guy-on-guy sex is hot.

Fair enough. Personally, I can't figure out why so many lesbians like to watch man-on-man action when gay guys never want to see the reverse.

I'm sure there are all sorts of sociological and even biological reasons, but I know for me it just boils down to this: I'm not attracted to women.

That said, I think Dan is just screwing with everybody. In fact, I think all the fags who squeal "omg girl parts!" are just acting.

Date: 12 Mar 2009 15:41 (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thousandpages.livejournal.com
These are the discussions I love. If it does help illuminate you either (and I'll find the link later, promise) a study came out recently that showed that while men, when shown erotic images of same-sex, different-sex, and single person scenes tended to get aroused when they saw the images that pertained to their stated orientation, women did not.

It seems, in fact, that women get aroused by just *sex*, whoever's sex it is.

I swear I'll dig up that link.

Again, there's probably more to it than that, but maybe that helps. I know as a bisexual girl, I'm definitely into the hot man-on-man love, but oddly enough? I can't seem to get into it when it's real life people. It has to be FICTIONAL CHARACTERS in order for me to find it all that sexy. I guess because otherwise it's like, "Eww, people I know who are my friends/family having sex. EWWWWWWWWW!"

Because I'm, yanno, actually ten. And boys are icky and you should throw rocks at them. :)

Date: 12 Mar 2009 15:37 (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thousandpages.livejournal.com
I hadn't heard of him until you mentioned him, but his column makes me a little wary. Just because I'm wary of folks who seem deliberately mean to others, but it is nice to see a very open column, especially for GLBT folks who might want sex and sex related advice.

Date: 12 Mar 2009 05:15 (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nightsinge.livejournal.com
I adore you. Stupid sterotype-reinforcing-sex-positive-only-for-the-airbrushed assholes.

Date: 12 Mar 2009 15:47 (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thousandpages.livejournal.com
Thank you :)

Honestly, the entire sex positivity thing strikes me as suspicious, especially when much of it comes from the porn industry or pro-porn industry folks. One because there's the implication that "hey, sex is good, go buy our movies!" is their motive, but also because the porn industry in the states is still deeply flawed. While maybe they're sex positive, they do reinforce lots of stereotypes and do lots of things to hurt people and exploit their workers.

I don't think porn is a bad thing. I don't think images, movies, books, etc that are about sex are a bad thing, I think they're good and natural. I don't even think there's something inherently wrong about making money from sex (ie, prostitute or stripper or porn actor), but I do think that careful attention must be paid to the endless possibilities for abuse and exploitation within that system.

So when the porn industry is all "rainbows and sunshine, we're sex positive now!", while sex positivity (the idea that sex is good, we should all enjoy sex on our own terms and without embarassing) on it's face is a good idea, it's like, I don't know.

It's like having someone who champions the homeless and builds shelters for them and does food drives and all this good stuff but then goes to his own home and beats his wife and kids to a pulp. While not technically a contradiction in terms, the very bad, abusive things that person does makes all the positive things he does suspect and untrustworthy.

So for all the yummy goodness of telling people to be proud and own their sexuality and enjoy it without shame, it's suspect to be told that by people associated with an industry that really does do a lot of harm and is chock full of so much racism and sexism and ablism and ageism that it's not funny.

I hope I'm making sense here.

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